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"We Ain't Nothin' But Beer n' Bones"

A Twisted History of BoneBeer

by Mark "Torch" Dawson '96
Co-Section Leader 1994-96

Once upon a time, the Bones liked beer. Well, all of them except Clavin, who drank Diet Coke by the gallon, and Stealth, who was occasionally spotted guzzling YooHoo. But did Stealth even exist? If a Stealth lives at 426 and nobody sees him, does he make a noise? Anyhow...the Bones like beer. Beer is food. Beer is liquid bread. We ain't nuthin but beer and Bones. More specifically, the Bones like Labatt's Blue. That's right, Labatt's with an apostrophe s. 'S. (The Bones urge you to write Labatt's and threaten to switch to Molson if they don't restore the 's.)

It is only a matter of time, however, before serious drinkers of beer turn to thoughts of actually making beer. So it happened that with financial support from Tablewine, Torch gave it a try.

Several weeks later the Oak Street Brewers produced BoneBeer. And it was good. And it caused weird things to happen at the Bone/Clarinet Happy Hour. But we won't go into that here...

With egos enlarged from their initial success, Brewmeister Torch and Moneybags Tablewine embarked on BoneBeer II: The Sequel. Unfortunately like most sequels, it sucked. Seemed like when it came time to rack and bottle, Brewmeister Torch had to play the role of Failing Student instead. The weeks of term papers and exams saw the dead yeast cells and other Funky Stuff turn BoneBeer II into Really Gross Nasty Stuff. But Scersk liked it.

It took two years after the flushing of BoneBeer II to regain enough confidence to start BoneBeer III. We should have waited longer. Torch and this time Toby actually followed the rules and did everything by the book, but the beer was just Not Good, however Raymond seemed to drink it without any adverse side effects, so it must not have been lethal. Although...we haven't seen him for several days. (This isn't really unusual. Raymond is the Second Incarnation of Stealth)

I would say that Hell will freeze over before BoneBeer IV sees the light of day, but Hell already froze over when the Eagles went on tour, so...it'll just be a while. A long while. In the meantime, drink good beer, please.

Written by
Torch `96,

Addendums: Apparently, Aristidis Tsouprous and one of those Mikes had created a clandestine Bone Beer IV. They liked it, but nobody knows if it was good or skunked.

The section churns with speak of Bone Beer V... Andy can't wait to make 9.62 gallons of River Horse.

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